breathing hurts my ribs. i’m completely constricted by the unspoken words and the silence that i’ve managed to fill with self-doubt. they ring in my head and hammer in their message, echoing in the darkness i keep close and reminding me, thrice-fold, what i’ve done; haven’t done; never will do. every reminder causes a gasp. every gasp, a stab in the chest. 

last week, i sat in the art gallery’s courtyard and reflected on the beauty of the sun as i cried and pretended that people couldn’t see me. tonight, i’ve swallowed my emotions so they hide even deeper and ache with even more strength. this is the recurring crux of my story, it would appear.

letting the morning’s first rays or the evenings last sunshine wash over me, the world seems more at peace. with the subtle warmth gently pressing against my face, it can overcome me. it can consume me - become me. with that perfect light upon me, i no longer exist. all that’s in my place is serenity.

if the world would only slow down for a while, i feel i might have time to regain control. i might be able to rid my life of its plaguing thoughts and feelings. i might be able to feed it some confidence and free it from everything that keeps it tethered to isolation and loneliness. unfortunately, the world’s speed is far from my control.