five-hundred and sixty-nine days ago, my house burnt down. it’s hard to explain to someone how losing everything you’ve ever known can feel. i don’t even know if i’m able to put those feelings into words. shall i just tell you how it happened and go from there?

on the 17th of april, 2008, i got on a plane with my choir and set off for japan. we went to england and belgium, before flying home from germany on the 13th of may. my sister and her partner, joel, picked me up from the airport at about 6am - understandably, they looked exhausted. little did i know, that was because they hadn’t been to sleep yet.

the night before i arrived home, around 7pm on the 12th of may, a supposed electrical fire started in the roof of our study. the flames travelled through the roof before causing all the ceilings to fall in on the house. as the smoke was above the fire alarms, they were not set off. the 12th of may was also my dad’s birthday. he was next door at my sister’s house having steak for dinner - he left fifteen minutes prior to the flames being seen. my mum was at work. i was in kuala lumpur, laying in the softest, most comfortable bed i’d been in for a month, laughing and enjoying myself with friends; we’d just gotten back from shopping.

it wasn’t until my sister looked outside and saw the massive fire that they realised. by then, the neighbours were watching over their fences, and the people living on the other side of us were trying to use their hoses to put it out, banging at our doors, thinking people were still inside (i might add that they moved houses soon after). the entire house was hollowed out in fifteen minutes. five fire engines, three ambulances, and two police cars came to help but there wasn’t much they could do. basically all that was left was a dining table, some chairs and a couch. luckily, a lot of our photo albums were furthest away from where the fire started, and so they too survived.

my sister asked me at the airport, “are you glad to be back?” i replied, “yeah, i’m just looking forward to sleeping in my own bed again.” ha! i slept on my sister’s couch for two months after that. nat then had the horrid job of telling me that the house had burnt down and i wouldn’t be able to sleep in my bed again. i didn’t believe her for about ten minutes, until she said, “jimmy’s gone.” those two words were like a punch in the stomach. now, i don’t have a very good photo to show you, or a way of proving to you how important he was to me, but jimmy was my teddybear. he is the one thing i miss out of that entire house. he is the one memory i hold most precious. these days when i’m sad, i hold my pyjamas close because they smell like sleeping-stef, just like he did :)

but i’m getting ahead of myself. when we pulled up to where the house was, the first thing i noticed was the ‘caution’ police tape, and from the front, the house looked almost fine. upon closer inspection, you could see the burnt out windows and the missing roof. i hadn’t slept well for a while but that first day back, i was in my home with my family shoveling rubble and roof tiles and god knows what else out with my hands. we worked like that for a few days until the house was less of a mess and the remaining walls could be brought down. i remember being surprised that everything was so sopping wet when it all looked so dry. i will never forget the smell; wet and cold charcoal, sometimes i still smell it on my clothes.

i went to school on the wednesday evening for open night, saw some friends and spoke to teachers. they seemed shocked to see me but i couldn’t understand why; i was fine; my loved ones and myself were unharmed; they were only things. i didn’t cry until the wednesday night. i was up for hours, just sobbing. jeez, i’m crying now just thinking of it. going back to school was hard because i felt as though everyone knew, as though they were all looking at me, pitying me. i spent a lot of time in my classes staring off into nothing, for the rest of the year, i guess. i can’t really remember much of what school was like - i guess i’d zoned out.

i expect this whole thing sounds as though it’s lacking in emotion, and as though i’m simply filing off facts, but that’s just the easiest way to tell someone this - to separate myself from it and pretend that it’s not my own life. honestly, i haven’t been happy since it happened - it’s as though my subconscious is riddled with the memories. and it’s hard to express how i’m still feeling after more than a year, when the rest of my family has gotten over it and moved on with their lives. but i feel as though, as adults, they’re in a better position to appreciate that what we lost were just ‘things’. i was sixteen, everything i’d ever known was in that house, and i can’t help but feel a constant emptiness at the loss of it. it’s also hard to explain to someone the constant sadness you feel, even though you seem fine. i mean, i know i’ll be okay and that things could have been much worse, but it doesn’t really stop the pain, you know?

i don’t really have anywhere to go with this, but i wanted to write it out the way it happened. and i don’t think many of our readers were aware that this happened, or knew the whole story.

kerri, x

ps. sorry this is so long.

follow elena (@ninadobrev) and damon (@iansomerhalder) on twitter.

readers, i am really, really hoping you all watched vampire diaries tonight.
did i just hear someone quietly question, why?!
well, it looked a little something like this.. only, minus damon and make it x949,860,984,572 sexier. (yes, it’s possible to be sexier than that picture)

that’s right - THEY HAD S**. and my goodness, it was brilliant. haha. i have waiting far too long to see that.

.. that’s really all i wanted to put in this post. i just wanted to express how excited i am that they finally ‘did the deed’, let you all know i totally approve of them being together, and that i’m unhappy that i have to wait until next year for the series’ return.

with love and high expectations.
kerri, x

Watch this space.

I am buggered as hell after the busiest weekend I’ve had in ages, so, right now, I’m leaving you with a promise that I will write a round up on my experiences of the magic that was Britney Weekend 2009!

All I can say is that all the haterz~ and Negative Nancy’s [that didn’t even go to the show - mind you!] only made the show an even better experience - their words only lowered everyone’s expectations, but then the show itself just proved how wrong they were. It was beyond amazing.

Anyway, more later! I gotta catch up on some much needed rest…

;)

Eva.

PS - Here is a photo of Laura Edwards and myself after the Dance 4 Your Life workshop held on Sunday (Part 2 of Britney Weekend). She is AMAZING, and the most adorable and sweetest person you will EVER meet. Oh, and her chorey is insane, as well! :D

chorey Laura Edwards taught to The Business - Yung Berg ft. Casha (that’s her in the Ghostbusters tee!)

all i can understand of myself is that i hate knowing that peter was so afraid of growing up that he ran away to escape it all and, as a result, he’s going to be scared forever. he’s never going to grow up; never going to feel emotions like passion and desire and love. he’ll live a half-life of fantasy and made-up adventure in a land where he’s alone.

but more to the point, wendy, her brothers and the lost boys all returned home and just.. left him in neverland. he was too scared to leave the one place where he never had to grow up and they barely tried to make him join them. they too weren’t old enough to understand the options he had ahead of him. all the children could see was being grown ups. that’s all the future held for them.

they didn’t see that the adventure didn’t have to end. they didn’t see the emotions and opportunity that adulthood could behold. and because they didn’t see this, they were scared of it. peter pan did everything he could to avoid this fear, and he was alone because of it.

my fear of being alone is probably shining through, because i can think of nothing worse for peter. he could have had his wendy, the boys, and he could even have taken tink, but he didn’t. uuuuugh, why couldn’t he see that growing up isn’t that bad?

i’ve probably discussed a children’s film far too much as it is, so i’ll just let it go. hopefully by tomorrow, i’ll have forgotten peter’s loneliness.

kerri, x

I am so pumped for this weekend! Words can’t describe—I don’t even— oh my god, SO EXCITED! I didn’t even occur to me how insane this weekend is going to be until an hour-or-so ago. I’ve been trying not to think about it too much, because all the recent hate on Britney has had me really wound up, but now that it’s finally here, I seriously cannot wait!

Not only am I going to Britney’s concert on Sunday night, but I’m also going to four of the seven dance workshops her dancers are having here this weekend! EEP! The first is on Saturday night, and is held by JP San Pedro. It’s not even right how excited I am for his class. I’ve been wanting to take his class for years, but have never gotten the opportunity. He’s been such a huge inspiration - his choreography is sick as, and he’s just an all round awesome dancer.

JP San Pedro and Lyle Beniga: Gotta Work - Amerie

I also received an invitation to another private masterclass on Saturday night, held by Ava Bernstein, but can’t, as the time clashes with the induction for my new job. (THAT’S RIGHT - I finally have a new job, aiyayaya!) The induction runs almost all day - I can just barely squeeze in JP’s class! It sucks because I love Ava’s choreography - I met her back in 2007 when she came down with Justin Timberlake for the FutureSex/LoveShow concert tour - but having this new job is just as equally exciting!

Ava Bernstein: Imma Put It On - Day26 feat. Yung Joc and Diddy

And as if that wasn’t enough - Sunday is going to be insane. From 10:30am til 5:30pm I will be taking class after class with Punch, Marvelous, and Eddie Morales through Dance 4 Your Life! I have never taken any of their classes before, so it should be exciting. I don’t know what to expect! Apparently the ‘best dancer’ will receive free tickets to her show, and KFed will be at the workshop as well - I’m not sure what to think about that - but hey, it’s going to be awesome!

Dance 4 Your Life flyer

Straight after these workshops, I’m gunna rush home, shower, then zip over to Britney’s concert with Kerri! The show starts at 8:00pm, and I figure we won’t be late because, if her dancers aren’t there yet, then the show won’t start ;) haha! AIYAYAYA!

I haven’t taken class since I got back from Brisbane, so here’s hoping I can keep up! Let’s hope I don’t die of exhaustion before the concert…

ITS BRITNEY, BITCH!

Adelaide, you better bring the goods this weekend and get hyped up! We don’t want to be told to sit down like we did at Alicia Keys! haha!

Eva.